Friday, May 22, 2009

Due to budget cuts this is your new cubicle.

My friend passed this on to me - way, way too funny not to post.



Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise...

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company... We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Triple-whammy protest at Parliament House during Budget Speech

Way to go Rising Tide! A triple-whammy disturbance at Parliament House protests against the Government's inaction on climate change and the futility of the CPRS.

Find our more

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Apply British Pre-emptive Terror Laws to your daily lives and piss everyone off

On Tuesday April 14 in Britain, 114 people were arrested on “suspicion of conspiracy to commit aggravated trespass and criminal damage”.

This is remarkable because these people were arrested not because they did anything wrong, but because police thought that they were planning to. This is a bit scary basically because it gives someone the power to react to a situation or threat that doesn't actually exist.

I figured that if British cops can do this, well then so can I. So I tested these powers all last week to see what kind of affect it would have:

Monday: I woke-up, pre-empting that everyone in my office at work would be sick and give me swine flu, so I stayed home.
Outcome: My boss was pissed, but I cited the British example and said that I needed no evidence and that my action was justified on the basis that I was averting a potentially life-threatening situation.

Tuesday: At breakfast time, I was suspected that I would be hungry again at lunchtime. So I ate my breakfast and lunch at 8am.
Outcome: Suspicion and pre-emptive action led to sickness from excess consumption early on and hunger later in the day.

Wednesday: I was in a shoe shop. I suspected a woman buying exceptionally tall patent leather red and blue stilettos would cause criminal damage and potentially trespass to the nether regions of fashion if allowed to make that purchase. I stopped her.
Outcome: Outrage and disbelief, to which I responded that I had persuasive evidence and could convince a jury that the woman was conspiring to commit a crime if allowed to buy the shoes. I am banned from the shop indefinitely.

Thursday: I went to the pub after work and told the barman that he should stop serving my boyfriend beer on the basis that he may or may not 'do something' to me later.
Outcome: An awkward conversation with a security guard, friends and colleagues about whether I was in an abusive relationship.

Friday: My Mum called. I suggested that she give me Power of Attorney over her and Dad and that I could really do with my inheritance now. This suggestion was made based on my long-held suspicion that she has in fact already got Alzheimer's and Dad can't look after himself.
Outcome: She hung up on me, my brother phoned shortly after to ask whether I was alright, and gloat that my portion of any inheritance would be donated to the Country Women's Association.

Saturday: I lept out of a Taxi without paying and ran away, - I didn't like the look in the Driver's eyes.
Outcome: I walked home in the rain, got blisters and am too scared to take a cab again in case I'm recognised as the cab-jumper that I am and some pre-emptive action is taken out on me.

Sunday: I got serious and attempted a pre-emptive arrest on a woman whose dog had shat on the nature strip. I had reason to suspect that she would not pick-up the poo given that she had no plastic bag on her.
Outcome: Verbal abuse and a Jack Russel nips marks on my ankle.

For a week I followed the precedent of the British Police and took pre-emptive action on the basis of unproven suspicious, and justified it with in – in my view- persuasive evidence that an act of terrorism, trespass, law-breaking or other major life-threatening crime may take place. What did I learn?

1)Power trips and suspicion can justify just about any type of ridiculous, unfair and humiliating behaviour.
2)This approach tends to piss people off – a lot. Most people seemed very uncomfortable that I was alleging that they were about to commit a crime before it had taken-place.
3)That people don't cop shit very lightly nor respond well to the idea that one person can accuse them of being guilty of doing something before they have done it.

So though I am in trouble with work, my Mum and my boyfriend, am banned at shops and have bite marks on my ankle, I do take some heart in the idea that people won't accept 'pre-emptive arrests' in my immediate vicinity.It also furthers my resolve that the English are whingers and take a lot of shit if they allow this to happen in theirs.

Based on an article that appeared in the UK Guardian on April 14

Introducing Nikki Williams, NSW Mining CEO and "incredibly passionate environmentalist"

Like in Australia, the US the coal industry go to some pretty extreme lengths to to make themselves seem like 'good, nice, safe and friendly people'.

The latest from the US Blog say that the US Coal Lobby have just undertaken an $20 million online media blitz for “shaping public attitudes on coal”. In Washington, for every pro-environment lobbyist there are 5 working for coal companies.

Undoubtedly, this kind of money means more spruiking of 'clean coal', which as a climate change response is just as true as someone telling you that brushing your teeth with fairy floss will mean less trips to the dentist or that camel-toes in women's pants are flattering.

So why does the coal lobby spend so much money trying to convince us that coal is clean (it isn't), jobs will be lost if we transition to renewable energy (they won't) or that going to Copenhagen with a 5% emissions reduction target is 'responsible' (ummmm...nup!)?

This behaviour can be explained by greed and the risk of large corporate profits being scaled-back and divided-up. There is much rhetoric about a 'buffet' of solutions to our climate problem, but fundamentally this means divvying up coal profits into smaller chunks and sharing the profit pie. It also explains while Carbon Capture and Storage is being flogged as a 'solution' as it keeps money in the hands of vested coal interests.

So how to protect your greedy interests and get away with it?

There's no better magic wand that PR. The Coal Lobby's vested interests are protected by a glossy veneer produced by multi-billion dollar PR and Marketing campaigns, the objective being to wolvishly dress bad intentions in sheep's clothing for the explicit purpose of ensuring that profits are protected and no-one looses their million-dollar home in Rose Bay.

I have reproduced excerpts below from a PR company representing NSW Mining - what gall! The PR company suggested that a green publication use “passionate environmentalist” and NSW Mining CEO Nikki Willams as a spokesperson for a future story on the environment, this raises a few questions:

PR People: “NSW Mining is one of the most profitable Australian industries. Contributing more than $2 billion annually in taxes and royalties, NSW generates about 250,000 direct and indirect jobs in NSW.”

So you can afford a just transition to renewable energy and green jobs? Why then are you asking for tax-payer handouts under the CPRS and a 5% emissions reduction target?

PR People: “If you are working on any environmental/mining stories and would like some expert input, NSW Mining CEO Nikki Williams is wonderful spokesperson and an incredibly passionate environmentalist.”

Obviously – I've seen her at the local coop, a couple of protests and riding her bike to work (not).

PR People: “...To give you a little background on her, 49 year old Nikki is a senior marketing and business development manager who has worked the African, Asian and European geographies with Shell and Exxon operating in the coal, oil, gas and chemical industries.”

She is obviously very good at selling coal. And what an outstanding environmental track-record Nikki, might I nominate you for a Banksia Award?

And it gets better:

“She (Nikki) has been CEO of the Plastics and Chemicals Industries Association; Business Development Director for the UK based QP Group; GM Marketing and Business Development for corProcure; Director Public Affairs for the World Coal Institute; Regional Supply Manager for Shell Coal International – trading 13 mt of coal from China, South Africa, Australia, Russia and Eastern Europe; Business Development Manager (Sub-Saharan Africa) for Shell Gas International; and Industrial Relations Officer with Esso Australia.”

Has anyone ever told Nikki that burning coal is a major contributor to climate change. Obviously, part of the solution Nikki, 13 megatonnes traden - you little ripper!

Don't call us Nikki, we'll call you.

If you see any other PR releases trying to sell the coal industry spokespeople as 'environmentalists' I would be very interested to see them.

Canadian Gold Diggers – One More Reason Why Wedding Bands are Crap.

Canadian Gold Diggers, Barrick Gold are not very nice, and if I was a Canadian I would be very upset with them for lots of reason, here are but a few:

Not only does Barrick Gold not give a crap about things like threatened species of birds, ecology or people, but for the last 10 years they have also added dumping cyanide, human rights abuses, and murder to their mounting list of 'favourite nasty things to do'.

But the thing that most annoys me about Barrick Gold, is that they are fairytale wedding dream stealers - I can never look at a wedding band the same and associate it with a nice romantic notion, instead I'm more likely to think of an open-cut gold pit. Ugly, very ugly.

Recently, Barrick Gold have proposed a mining site expansion which means ripping-off another 5 gigalitres of water a year in one of Australia's most drought-stricken areas, Lake Cowal.

Lake Cowal is referred to traditional owners as the 'Sacred Heartland of the Wiradjuri nation”, yet for 10 years Traditional Owners have been fighting against Barack Gold Mines to shut the Lake Cowal open-cut gold pit down.

Says the Save Lake Cowal website “On 27 March 2006 the mine became fully operational despite opposition from Traditional Owners within the Wiradjuri Nation, the Coalition to Protect Lake Cowal and concerned citizens around Australia.

Barrick owns eight mines in Australia.

The company has been accused of a number of environmentally unsound practices, as well as illegal trading activities.

In January 2003, a 26-year old woman was killed in a pitwall collapse at a Barrick mine in Western Australia.”

Nice folk eh? So next time you're thinking about buying some gold, spare a thought that it takes 18 tonnes of earth, generating 12 cubic metres of tailings, to produce enough gold for an average wedding band. For more info visit:

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Enviroporn - Fuck for Forest...Come against Coal?

Language warning.

Often observers of the environmental movement comment that 'green needs to be more sexy'. And goodness knows there has been a few attempts - Mark Rastovich is pretty sexy, and some may say the same of Hollywood starlets that spruik dolphins, whales and trees...

And while many of us have may have lost hope, its safe to say that there are people who do give a shit...I'm pleased to tell you that for every person out there that can't get a root, there are roots going into the ground courtesy of some special German and Brazilian friends!

Fuck for Forests is a not for profit porn site where money paid to see fucking in or for forests goes toward reforestation, conservation and planting projects in South America.

This is what they say its all about:
Fuckforforest is a non-profit eco porn organization. FFF is created by people who want to have a exciting experience and a good feeling for protecting nature, having real fun with sex and nudity, not faked, not staged, but impulsive and living. With the help from sexually free people and by showing the beauty of natural love, nudity and sex we wish to direct attention to and collect money for the Earth’s threatened nature. Saving the planet IS sexy!"

I had a quick look, though the design of the site is pretty crap, the pics aren't too bad and I 'liked the links and the forum', in a way that I guess sleazy men say "I buy Playboy for the articles". I didn't quite get why everyone is mega dreadlocked on top and shave to within an inch of their lives down below. Maybe 'hairy activist' is an overused cliche and in Germany and (of course) Brazil, activists wax...a lot!

So, if we can apply the novel and fun lessons of Fuck For Forest to other campaigns what might we call them? Here's a few to start, leave your ideas below!

Because apparently the climate movement just isn't sexy enough...ha!

Thanks Cat.